Getting rid of bruises

Surfing randomly, I came across a very useful “how-to” on the topic of making bruises go away. It’s from a vanilla site, so it’s not specifically geared towards bruised bottoms, but it’s sound advice nonetheless:

1. Apply something cold, such as ice, as soon as possible. When you cool the blood vessels around the bruised area, less blood leaks into the surrounding tissue. Flexible gel-filled ice packs, specifically designed for injuries, are available from sports shops and athletes will usually keep a couple of them in the freezer. For most of us, a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a towel is perfectly adequate. Or soak a flannel in ice-cold water and lay it over the bruise for 10 minutes. Whatever chilling agent you use, remove it after 10 minutes and wait for 20 minutes or so before you re-apply it so you don’t overchill the skin underneath.

2. Reduce bloodflow to the bruise to minimize discoloration. If you bruise your leg, for instance, and you can take a break, settle into a sofa or armchair with your leg up on a pillow above heart level. If your arm is bruised, try to keep it propped above heart level whenever you’re sitting.

3. Stop taking medications that make bruises worse. Consult with your doctor appropriately before stopping any medication:

   • ibuprofen [Advil, Nuprin] (but ibuprofen can be taken if you need pain relief)
   • naproxen [Aleve]
   • aspirin
   • Cortisone medications (e.g. prednisone) – promote bruising by increasing the fragility of the tiny blood vessels in the skin

4. Apply gentle pressure with your hand (not with a tourniquet).

5. Apply heat after 48 hours of cooling the bruise to bring more circulation to the area and help to clear away the pooled blood. Apply a warm washcloth to the bruise for 10 minutes or so 2 or 3 times a day.

6. Gently massage the bruise and surrounding area several times a day beginning the day after the bruising occurs. This will help the normal lymphatic process to clear it away. Be gentle! The pressure should not be painful.

I think, my favourite part is 2, where you’re supposed to be bottom-up whenever possible. This may lead to you getting more bruises, but whatever. No. 6 is also fun: “rub your bottom lots, or have it rubbed for you!”

I shall be trying out some of these techniques next time I find myself bruised. If you try it, let me know the result!

The Bikers of Gor

If you’re like me, you may have at some point been bewildered by the steaming pile of pulp that is John Norman’s Gor novels. In which case you may be able to appreciate this beautiful parody, “Gay, Bejeweled, Nazi Bikers of Gor”:

“Cobra,” said the Leader. “Kick his ass.”

Merlenius cried out and tried to run, but the man named Cobra caught him and forced him down. I heard Merlenius cry out as his punishment was administered.

“He has kicked his ass well,” said Blergus.

“Yes,” I said. “His ass has been well kicked.”

“I have never seen an ass kicked in such a way,” said Blergus.

“I, too, have never seen an ass kicked in such a way,” I said.

“The one called Cobra knows well how to kick an ass,” said Blergus.

“Yes, the one called Cobra knows well how to kick an ass,” I said.

“Do you think he might kick my ass as he has kicked the ass of Merlenius?” asked Blergus.

I saw Blergus’ eyes as he looked at Cobra, and then I looked down, shamed.

For in my heart I felt the stirring, the feelings I had for so long feared. I remembered the night, so long ago, when I had danced naked in my hall, weeping in need of the fulfillment that I had never felt, strength on strength, manly in my manliness. I remembered Doona, my slave, and her words: “Are you not fulfilled, master?” I had been angry then, and later I had punished her muchly, making her copyedit all my accounts of Gor, to which she had wept muchly, for they were 3,449,461 words long not counting chapter headings or the latest installment, and which spoke much of stones and the way that stones in Gorean cities are quarried from nearby quarries by slaves, then to be brought to the cities by Thralion or slaves, the stonecutter’s caste not dealing muchly with merchants but rather directly with the Uber and the government of the Gorean city, so to speak.

I shamefully put the thought of my master needs from my head.

“He is handsome,” said Blergus suddenly. “I hope he kicks my ass.”

“Master!” I hissed contemptuously.

“Yes,” said Blergus. “I am a master. I love being a master!”

I trembled at his words. To be a master meant confessing one’s master needs. This frightened me, muchly, for I could not deny my feelings of masterly need, could not deny that the ass-kicking administered to Merlenius had muchly aroused me in my master intimacies, in secret ways that I feared to confess.

No! I must be strong! I must think only of slave girls, for I dared not consider the alternative.

Ah, yes. I feel a tiny bit avenged for having once been fooled into thinking Gor was a fantasy series.

Tails of the Tawse

I have been captured by a sinister Man With a Tawse:

Ludwig’s competition (with free porn as a prise)

Our friend Ludwig is running a competition on his blog: you have to read his post “K-day is coming”, and leave a comment trying to guess what on earth he’s talking about. The closing date is 29 July, so do it now.

What you win is a month’s membership to Bars & Stripes. To find out why you want one, you can read my review of the site, see some pics and a trailer. And then, once you realise how utterly you’re entranced by the site, you can go over to Ludwig’s blog and enter the competition.

Movie review: “Wild Party 3″ (Rigid East)

“Wild Party 3” is a sequel to the classic pair of Rigid East movies from the olden days – before subtitles, DVDs or the werewolf logo. The first two instalments are well loved by the aficionados, and they’re in for a treat with the new film that follows the old winning formula.

What we have is not complicated or innovative, but it has straightforward charm of the crime-and-punishment scenario. The five girls are amateur ballet dancers, who are relaxing after a strenuous dance class. There’s a group shower scene, followed by a party with wine, dancing (with clothes on and later, off), surreptitious joints and, when the alcohol kicks in, some unusually explicit lesbian caresses. Hands wonder, tongues get involved. The party becomes wilder than ever, until finally they exhaust themselves and doze off.

This is where the ballet master comes back to the studio, finding it strewn with nubile – and very naked – young bodies. He’s enraged: to him ballet is the highest art, and the dancers defile it with their behaviour. Disgusted, he sends them home to sleep off the alcohol, threatening with expulsion from the dance school. The following day, with the girls refreshed though not yet subdued, the master arrives with a cane, and proposes an ultimatum: they must submit to his punishment, or have the CCTV footage of their drug bacchanalia sent straight to the police, as well as get thrown out of the school. The response is easy to predict; all five girls elect to strip naked and receive their stripes.

In an unusual twist, the first girl to go over a convenient gym horse changes her mind a few strokes into the punishment. The threat of expulsion doesn’t impress her any more: when faced with the pain of the whipping, she chooses the punishment that’s less painful. The other four girls, however, take every single vicious stroke. There is much pleading, crying and dancing about – they are not tied down – but take the punishment they do. By the fifth girl – the veteran Lupus actress Ester Slaba – the end of the cane snaps off and goes flying, but this doesn’t prevent the irate ballet master from finishing the job. The canings are harsh, precise and competent, and clearly very painful.

The appeal of this film lies precisely in the fact that the girls are not strapped down for their punishment, and their reactions are beautifully individual and personal – from submissively staying in position and howling all the way through, to dancing and jumping after every stroke. You may think it can get repetitive, but it doesn’t. It’s just right.

“Wild party 3” is a neat, effective package of spanking cinema, which slots nicely into the Rigid East body of work.