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Photos, Scenology, Shooting Films — By Adele on 25 May, 2009 11:10 pmTraditionally I post videos on Mondays, but all I want to do right now is talk about last week’s shoot. As compromise with myself, I’m putting up a music video that completely reflects my state over the last few days.
http://www.dailymotion.com/videoxr2qzIn official BDSM parlance the emotional crash after a stretch of intense play is called “subdrop”.
What does it feel like? It’s a pool of unshed tears at the back of my eyelids. It’s a pit of wanting in my chest – longing for I don’t know what, unsatisfied by all the normal happy things. It’s a mind that plays – again, again, – the imaginary scenes from the 1911 school, the scenes we never shot, or discussed, but that are real to me nonetheless. It’s hunger for physical contact: a touch is good, a slap is better.
Is it correct to use the term for a condition brought on by what is, on the face of it, a professional engagement? Am I stealing a word I’m not entitled to? I don’t actually care: what I’m feeling isn’t any different from what I’ve felt on occasion after very personal scenes. I approached the shoot professionally in the sense that I was there to do certain things that were asked of me as well as I could, i.e. professionally.
I couldn’t have done it, though, without allowing myself to be vulnerable, opening up my soft core, allowing myself to be prodded, molded into necessary shapes, becoming someone I’m not. (All of this while remembering the camera angles, following directions, coming up with lines on the fly.) Maybe actors know how to do this without becoming emotional wrecks, but I have neither training nor experience to shake off the shock of two days of absolute vulnerability.
This, too, is submission.
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17 Comments
Double submission – double drop – take care of yourself for a few days.
As a former actor and director, I think your experience is like that of true actors doing intense work. For film, it’s compressed into a short time, and with such a small cast/crew, it’s even tighter. There’s always a huge depression after finishing a play/film, in proportion to its intensity. Your description is vivid, and “this, too, is submission” is, I think, the most accurate approach – i.e. that we have to submit to suffering that comes as a natural result of circumstances.
“Why does my heart feel so sad” is ingenious, complex, self-mocking, beautiful. and consoling.
Casey’s point is very well made. I had never realised the obvious connection between subdrop and the high/low swing you see in the green room amongst the cast of any amateur theatre group after a show. Being a complete novice regarding any kind of public or shared play, I had not realised that a scene is theatre with added endorphin – oh how easy to miss the obvious ’till someone points it out. Thank’s Casey.
I’m so happy to hear about your subdrop because I know it means you had a stunning, intense and wonderful time. I’m also delighted you’re shooting again, as I know it’s been a fraught few months. The stills look amazing and I can’t wait to see the film! I imagine you’ll still be dreaming of the shoot weeks from now. ;-) Big hugs to you…
Congratulations on what sounds like a truly wonderful shoot! I hope the subdrop is fading and the memories are taking over.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with conflating shoot/professional subdrop with “real” subdrop – as people have pointed out, it’s all a big messy category which looks remarkably similar to the comedown after any big shared escapist emotional experience, particularly ones that involve inhabiting another person or reality – like acting or kinky roleplays. You should see the state me and my vanilla friends are in after our annual Shakespeare weekend…
Which is to say WHAT DO YOU MEAN “PROFESSIONAL”, DON’T YOU LOVE US???? :( :( :(
<3
Thank you for the implied compliment here. To reinforce what others have said; the experience of identity shifts is intense and profound, or unsuccessfully shallow. Actors and musicians are accustomed to the swings as much as Doms and subs: why do you think they all drink so hard? :)
Doing both at once, as Master Retep suggests, makes the whole experience all the more profound. Thank you for both your professionalism during the shoot and your willingness to commit so deeply to it.
OK, let’s get out of the territory of implied compliments: I would like it be known that Thomas Cameron reduced me to a puddle of goo.
*g*
Ewww… squishy squishy Adele.
Must be someone’s kink. ;-)
*raises hand*
Hee.
This is a massively moving post. It hadn’t occurred to me to separate “work” sub-drop from “personal” sub-drop. I always take the drop as a sign that I hit something real, whatever the situation.
And yes, I think there is a double drop that comes with the end of any project where you’ve put a lot of yourself into the mix. This isn’t strictly limited to artistic endeavors, but they seem worse. You were all so obviously invested in this film. I can only imagine the drop!
I don’t actually know why when I wrote this I felt the need to separate work-related drop from the normal kind…
Well, it’s interesting to tease apart separate strands of emotion. I think it was a worthwhile distinction. Even if the on-the-ground analysis shows them to be virtually indistinguishable, I know that upon reflection I find the conversation valuable…at the very least it’s given me permission to use “sub drop” to describe the way I feel at the end of important, emotional, but non-kinky situations. :)
My God Adele! I just re-read this post. We or I could go on for pages talking about this. So I won’t write a book on Your blog space. The sub-drop, Iknow it I’v seen it and also felt the dom drop. Driving the modle / actress home after We worked all day to perfect Our art. its over, its {in the can} Our expression here. I’v shot almost 300 spank vids now and still My stomach is tied in knots every time I walk on set. Do You think its actually the [back to real life and responsibilitys] that does it, or the responsibility of now I have to write, upload, edit, and make Our viewers aware of whats going to be availabel to them?
What beautiful photo’s of a naughty woman being disciplined. What pure joy to behold, when I see that naughty woman’s bare bottom so well deservedly thrashed.
Yes – it is submission.