Feminist, Model, Blogger
Scenology — By Adele on 22 January, 2008 11:16 pmPandora Blake has posted an interesting treatise on feminist porn, spanking movies, and the role of blogs in advancing the cause of feminism.
While I recommend that you read the whole thing and engage in discussion on her blog, I’d like to go off on a tangent, and do some thinking out loud.
Pandora writes that sexual equality in spanking porn can be reflected in a spanking model’s experience of a shoot, and suggests that it is through blogs that progressive porn-makers can make themselves heard:
It’s okay for porn to feature women being hurt and degraded – but in material this edgy, it’s crucially important that everyone involved in the film’s production explicitly and actively consents to the content of the film. The desires of the models, not the desires of the characters, becomes the crucial factor…
…And that’s where blogging comes in. A lot of spanking models have started keeping blogs writing about their experiences and explaining what they get out of it. It’s not just a good way of finding out more about your favourite spankee. It’s absolutely essential if we want to promote spanking porn that is progressive, focussed on real-life sexual equality and not only on male agency and desire.
And here’s me, going off on a tangent: Just any model blog a feminist platform does not make A model’s (or any sex worker’s) blog may very well be an extension of the on-screen act. While it makes business sense for a girl to keep portraying herself in writing as a cum-loving nympho whore a naughty girl who needs her bottom smacking all the time, hard, by you personally – it hardly advances the cause of feminism.
There are two types of model blogs. There are the “See the Girl, Not Just the Bottom” bloggers: those of us who use our writing to impose our opinions on the unwilling world, and then there are “shopfront” blogs, used purely for the model’s marketing purposes and communication with clients. (And then there’re blogs that are a bit of both, but even a tiny feminist platform is a platform nonetheless.)
And that’s OK. Telling people how they should use their blogging and what they should write is rude and pointless. If we made a swift poll of how many models wanted to carry the banner of feminist porn, the majority wouldn’t be in favour of agenda-driven blogging, and hey, nobody could make them risk their carefully created image for political ends.
All the same, I wish there were more models’ blogs that are personal rather than commercial; sincere rather than self-serving. It’s the former that help build up an image of women who make informed choices about their spankings and acting.
I believe that in the long run, even the women who couldn’t care less about the politics of spanking and porn can benefit from the visibility of strong, sincere bloggers. It would be nice if there were more of blogs like that.
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18 Comments
Categories will be the death of us all. I know it’s human nature to analyse and label, but if you start categorizing blogs… Well, my tangent can beat up your tangent. ;-)
I keep a blog because I’m an exhibitionist and an obsessive fantasist, an explorer in the further reaches of experience. I wrote the book for the same reasons. I like connecting with others and I really get off on hanging out there in midair and coaxing others to the edge to see the terrifying and beautiful view.
I don’t think Pandora was suggesting we alter our style of blogging to conform to a political agenda. Just pointing out that blogs are a great platform to show the world that not all porn is anti-feminist and not all participants are exploited victims of male-driven wank fodder. (Though if you get off on BEING an exploited victim [Who, me?], it’s not anti-feminist providing it’s your personal choice.)
I’m still working on my feminism and spanking post.
Interesting. There are a couple of things I’d like to add…
Firstly, if a model chooses to use her blog for self-promotion or as a customer interface, I don’t see that as being pro-feminist, anti-feminist or pro/anti anything, but just as an example of her business nous.
Secondly, there are a significant number of men who choose – and I stress choose – to regard all female pornsters as subjugated cum-loving nymphos, and absolutely nothing anyone says or writes will ever cause those men to move from their fixed viewpoint. Similarly, there are an equally significant number of women who choose – and again I stress choose – to regard all theatrical depictions of female submission as manifestations of male domination in the real world, and nothing anyone says will ever cause those women to move from their equally rigid viewpoint.
It is one of life’s paradoxes that those who freely choose to hold the most dogmatic opinions seen incapable of understanding that other people have the ability to make choices too.
Blogging is a useful and powerful tool, but ultimately, it can only educate those who are prepared to listen.
Adele, thanks both for an interesting post and for the referral to Pandora’s post. Even as a feminist woman, I don’t have a philosophical problem with what you call “shopfront” blogs; I just don’t find them as interesting as yours or Niki’s or Pandora’s. Gotta go now– the delivery guy just dropped off my Amazon package with Niki’s book…
Personal blogs, like yours and Pandoras, will ALWAYS make more compelling reading than ‘shopfront’ ones.
Oh, the dreaded F-word… I feel myself drawn into a long, verbose essay here. For those of you who actually read the whole thing, it will hopefully be interesting.
I agree with Adele and Niki here and strongly disagree with Pandora. Mind you, I think Pandora’s idea of “promoting progressive spanking porn” and “clearing up misconceptions” is well-intended. But as soon as you start doing that, you have basically fallen for the fundamentalist anti-porn feminsists’ line. As soon as you start to justify what you are doing, you are on the defensive, and you’ve give the other side a point of attack that they don’t even deserve. The next thing they will ask is, “if spanking is so progressive and healthy and fun, why is there a need to constantly defend it as such? Doesn’t that mean that, even by your own admission, there are certain valid doubts about that?”
There is nothing wrong whatsoever with erotic spanking, BDSM or anything that happens between consenting adults. It is also obvious to any thinking person that this sort of consent applies to the spanking movies we are talking about here – if it wasn’t consensual, it wouldn’t be around in all these public sites and blogs without apparent fear of persecution. Therefore, there really is no need and no duty for us spankos to defend what we do. I wouldn’t feel the need to defend my having vanilla sex with a consenting adult, either.
As far as those who maintain that all forms of pornography and eroticism are degrading, exploitative and male-centered, or that BDSM is “violence”, are concerned, you are not going to convince them with any amount of well-intended blogging. It’s a bit like arguing about evolution with a creationist – no matter what evidence you present, they will not accept it, because they have a certain ideological agenda, and that’s that. A comedian once said: “If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.” Likewise, I would say: if you have to explain to someone that erotic spanking is not really abusive or violent, you might as well give up.
Feminism is great, because the central concern, the way I understand it, is to promote equal rights and equal opportunity for women. Women and men are certainly not “alike” (thank God, because that would be boring), but they are fully equal as human beings and should enjoy the same dignity and freedom. This is a good, natural view and a noble undertaking.
However, there is an unfortunate kind of radical feminism that originated, in the early days particularly, alongside this general movement. This is understandable, perhaps, because in most things that are “new” in history and try to break with old customs, you’re going to have a radical faction that seeks a total break from the previous state and, as a result, develops certain totalitarian ideas. You’re going to have a Martin Luther, and then you’re going to have a John Calvin. The outcome is often frighteningly similar to the grievances which these people wanted to fight in the first place. “We have the one truth, and this is how everyone should live.”
It can be argued, to paraphrase Clausewitz’ famous sentence about war and politics, that “radical feminism is the continuation of the patriarchy by other means”. (Yeah, I actually came up with this one myself once, and I believe it is very much to the point). In the old days, you had men telling women what they can and cannot do. You’re not supposed to study at university, you’re not supposed to walk the streets without the company of a gentleman, you’re not supposed to wear trousers, and so forth. In radical feminism, you simply replace the men with a group of women who tell all other women what they can and cannot do. For instance, you’re not supposed to participate in a porn film. No, not even if you happen to like it, because “a good girl doesn’t do something like that”.
So what you have here is pretty much the opposite of what feminism should really strive for, i.e. freedom for women. I have a hard time regarding this “one truth” position as feminism at all. In its dogmatic and ideological views, it is more akin to the patriarchy which it opposes. Fortunately, this radical position is becoming rarer. This is another common historical route which we’ve seen before – the pendulum starts at one extreme (“women are inferior”), it swings to the other extreme (“all men are pigs”), and then, for most people, it settles in the middle (“we have the same worth as human beings”).
When you look at the younger generation of feminists, most of them seem to be a lot more open-minded about things like nudity, pornography or BDSM. Which is good for them, because most people who maintain the “porn is evil” line nowadays have a fundamentalist Christian or Muslim agenda, and as a feminist I’d feel very strange in such company. In the same vein, I think it is very telling that the social position of women tends to be a lot better and more advanced in countries where porngraphy is widespread (such as the US or Europe), while it is worse in those countries where porn is outlawed (like Iran or China). That’s because porn and women’s rights are tied to the same general issue, the question of freedom.
From the standpoint of freedom (of words, images and expression), no good argument can be made against porn, while a lot of good arguments can be made in favour of it. We may not always like the results. I don’t enjoy a lot of what goes on in the average gonzo porn flick, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t exist. The main points here are that 1) Other people may find it erotic, just as I find spanking erotic while they don’t, and 2) No one is forcing me to watch it. As long as it is consensual, it is no business of mine what other adults do. I may find it in bad taste, but a free society has to include the freedom of bad taste.
As soon as you introduce a “good taste police”, you’ve abandoned freedom. And naturally, once you start with censorship, there will be no end to it – after you censor erotic corporal punishment, you have to censor “Gone With the Wind” because it contains a rape scene. Before you know it, you’re going to have to censor a whole lot of things (including many famous works of literature, art and film) that could be construed as inappropirate to one sensibility or another. Which, mind you, is exactly what certain parties want. They are just using porn to get their foot in the door.
An interesting question here is, do “harmless” non-violent media really lead to a better society? This seems not to be the case. Nazi Germany had largely non-violent media – most films made during the period were trivial comedies and cute romances. While millions of innocent Jews, gypsies, homosexuals and other “undesirables” were being exterminated in the death camps. Actually, the “nice world” facade is a trademark of authoritarian regimes, while “media filth” flourishes mostly in free societies promoting humanitarian values. That is very telling, too.
It must be said that, even in an enlightened society, freedom needs certain caveats for the sake of the dignity of the individual. For instance, children deserve special protection because they can’t protect themselves the way an adult can, and they can’t give consent the way an adult can. Therefore, child porn is illegal, as it should be. Likewise, “consent” doesn’t make everything automatically right. In Germany, we had the case of one man consenting to being killed and eaten by another man (Rammstein made a satirical song about it). A good argument can be made that these individuals were too psychologically unstable or damaged to be responsible for their own decisions.
Of course, this is a tactic employed by some anti-BDSM groups: people with sadistic or masochistic tendencies are “abnormal”, therefore their choices and their consent cannot be taken at face value. Is there any ground for this thesis? I don’t think so. Adele, Niki and Pandora all seem to be doing very well in “normal life”. Psychology shows that erotic sadism and masochism are quite different from their “pathological” counterparts. And a good argument can be made that consenting to a vicious caning (even with welts and blood) is fundamentally different from consenting to having one of your body parts cut off and frying it in the pan.
The other famous argument against porn (since you apparently can’t argue against it on the basis of “good taste” or “protecting people from themselves”) is that it causes violence. The claim is that porn changes the way men see women, and it leads to rape. It’s a similar argument to the one saying that someone who watches “Terminator” too often will eventually grab a machine gun and start mowing down pedestrians. It holds just as little water as the other argument.
Studies indicate very strongly that porn in itself doesn’t really change the way men see women, because even men, believe it or not, are by and large able to tell the difference between fantasy and real life. If you’re a misogynist, you have other things to blame. Likewise, studies show that the sex crime rate isn’t any higher in those societies where porn is easily available and widespread. Actually, Japan, which has a lot of pretty intense “violent pornography”, has one of the lowest sex crime rates in the industrialized world.
Since porn (even the “violent” kind) doesn’t seem to lead to violence after all, what arguments are left against it? None, really. What additional sanctions do we need on top of the laws against child pornography, rape and cannibalism? None. Porn is adult entertainment, nothing more, nothing less. Some people like it, others don’t, and that can be said about most media. It’s a question of taste, not morality, and in a free society, you can’t police taste.
For some of us, spanking is more than porn or entertainment, it’s a part of our way of life. Which raises an interesting question. It goes beyond the subject at hand, but while I’m rambling on for ages, I might as well mention it, too. The question is, are spanking films really pornography? My answer would be, some are, but you can’t generalize it.
On the face of it, spanking films are porn simply because they are treated as such by our laws. What you have are erotically charged images and activities, usually with a lot of gratuitous nudity, with the main goal of sexual arousal. Therefore, we treat, watch, produce and market it as porn. “Click the ‘Enter’ button only if you are 18 years of age or older.” From a legal standpoint, with the goal of protecting people from images that they might find offensive and protecing minors from material that they probably won’t be able to understand in context, this makes sense.
As a philosopher, though, I’m always curious about how words orginate and what they literally mean (or used to mean). “Pornography” comes from ancient Greek, “porne” and “graphos”, and it literally means “writings about whores”. Let’s take it like that for a moment. The question then is, what is a whore? Whoring (or prostitution, if you prefer that term) is sexual activity in exchange for remuneration, usually money. That may not be the only motivation (a whore can enjoy her work), but it is the main motivation. You could also apply it to any situation where the sexual activity is “given” primarily for a gain or goal that lies outside of the activity itself (beyond the sheer pleasure of it) and outside of the person you give it to (because you like or love that person). “Let’s give the President a blowjob so I can get into the newspaper!”
So for me, there is a strong element of materialism and also of pretension or dishonesty here. The implication is, it’s not about the pleasure, the person or self-exploration, it is about money, fame or some other form of reward, and that is the main goal. “If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be doing it. Give me my paycheck so I can get the hell outta here.” I think that this applies to most of the prostitution and porn out there, so “writings about whores” (or “images of whores”) is indeed a fitting term.
Of course, there are exceptions. Nine Hartley seems to genuinly love what she is doing, which is why I’d call her an erotic actress / artist / performer or some such thing rather than a pornstar. And there are probably quite a few girls who also, in addition to the material reward, actually get a bit of real fun out of the whole thing. But my guess would be that, even for them, the money remains the prime goal, and that for the majority, it is indeed the only goal.
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that. It’s a trade between consenting adults, “sex for money”, so it’s quite honest in its way (oops, I just contradicted myself – but I hope you see what I mean with “honest whoring”). At the end of the day, the chief motivation of most people for the work they do is money, and while that might be a sad state of affairs, pornography isn’t really any worse. It’s more intimate to sell your body, but it’s not really a fundamental difference.
So how are things in the spanking world? Of course there are models whose prime or only motivation is money. To dismiss that possibility would be naive. But I believe that they are fewer in number than in “ordinary porn”. And I believe that you can tell the difference between them and the non-whores fairly easily, with a bit of an eye for human nature.
The motivation of spankophiles like Adele, Niki or Pandora doesn’t seem to be the material reward. Sure, the money and the fame are nice in their way – again it would be naive to deny that outright. But the main drive here, very obviously and genuinly, is for self-exploration, self-expression and the sheer fun of it. Making lots of dough isn’t really the point. I’m fairly sure that they’d be doing their thing even if there weren’t any videos to sell. They do what they do mostly for the sake of doing it, for the sake of itself – which is arguably the central attribute of art. That’s what it is, really, erotic art. Not all of it is good art – that is a question of quality and success, not categorization. But it is certainly in the art category.
So for me, these gals are artists and their work is art. The fact that I masturbate to it doesn’t make it any less so. Art doesn’t have to be all abstract and intellectualized. It can celebrate pure physical beauty and arouse you with it (a lot of art does, even in the postmodern age). But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t deeper, more complex and thought-inspiring levels to it, too. I get a lot more out of a good spanking film than basic sexual arousal, and I spend a lot more time thinking about it and the human beings involved than I do with vanilla fucking videos.
The main reason for that is, I think, that you are watching (not in all cases, but in many) another individual’s quest for self-exploration and self-expression, which is way more interesting than watching someone earning a paycheck. The reason, in other words, is that many spanking films are more than “images of whores”. So I don’t regard them as porn, really, and I don’t regard the models as whores (I’m sorry, Niki, I know you like the term – but you simply aren’t one!).
These self-exploring models are also feminists in the best sense of the word, because they are women who do what they enjoy without making excuses for it. No excuses are needed. Especially not in front of radical pseudo-feminists who believe that they have the world figured out and insist on forcing their own personal values and tastes on the rest of humanity.
Manifesto signed,
Ludwig
Well done, Ludwig, spoken like a gentleman. Bravo!
Hear, hear! Now save that manifesto and be sure to repost it on your own blog when you get it up and running!
I am with you Niki….I like to share my fears of what will be happening in my life….particularly when I take myself to the edge with Judicial events and the firmhand shoot with China. Obivously that also lets people know what i ma doing, but the Diary runs as my life….I don’t hide my slavery, even tlak of it every now and again. It helps me to write the reason behind my addiction to pleasure/pain. Whether people enjoy reading it is up to them. Terrific post though Adele and something rather profound to think on
Well, I got to the end of it!
The first part of Ludwig’s treatise deals with the differences between true feminism and Radical Feminism so eloquently that I don’t think anything needs to be added.
I would like to make a comment on the second part, specifically about the mercenary motivation for working in the sex industry…
If a woman (or anyone for that matter) remains in a job because the need for the money takes precedence over all other considerations – including whether or not they actually have any liking for the job – then that is not a satisfactory state of affairs. The obvious example is women who work in prostitution in order to finance drug habits and such like.
If, however, the financial need is simply to pay the same household bills that everybody else has to pay, and the woman’s chosen employment happens to be as a porn model, then I would argue that no further justification of her decision is necessary.
I agree with you, Steve, that “women who work in prostitution in order to finance drug habits” is a terrible thing. But it raises the question, is the drug habit the main problem or the prostitution? I would say the former.
Pornography and prostitution have existed in pretty much every society we know, from ancient times until today. They even exist in societies where they are strictly against the law, like Iran. So the most sensible thing to do in my view is to acknowledge that they simply can’t be outlawed, even though some people would be in favour of that. The best thing to do is have prostitution and pornography legal and out in the open.
The main benefits of that are that there is some semblance of official control over prostitution and pornography (which reduces the health risks a bit), and that it goes a long way to sever the connection between prostitution and organized crime, where God knows what can happen to the girls (such as drugs and human trafficking). Of course, drug habits and human trafficking also exist in free societies (they can never be fully repressed, either), but they seem to be a lot more common in societies where the Mafia has a quasi-monopoly on prostitution (like Russia).
Folks, I’m having trouble with my Internet right now, so the discussion has got away from me a little, but I had to respond to a couple of points.
Niki wrote: Categories will be the death of us all. I know it’s human nature to analyse and label, but if you start categorizing blogs…
Categorising people will be the death of us; categorising writing is what nerds do – and so do I. :) I think of the difference between personal and commercial blogs in the same vein as the difference between non-fiction and fiction. Not saying that a blog can’t be both things. Hell, mine is both (see those ads in the right-hand sidebar? see those ‘pretty please buy my new movie’ posts?) It’s just that if we were looking at how useful one or the other type are for feminist causes – I’m thinking the non-fiction posts are more helpful there.
Steve wrote Firstly, if a model chooses to use her blog for self-promotion or as a customer interface, I don’t see that as being pro-feminist, anti-feminist or pro/anti anything, but just as an example of her business nous.
Yup, my point exactly. If we want to know whether a girl is involved in a feminist production, looking at her shop-front just won’t help us decide either way.
Ludwig – bravo for the manifesto, man. Where’s that blog you were going to start? ;) You say: As soon as you start to justify what you are doing, you are on the defensive, and you’ve give the other side a point of attack that they don’t even deserve. The next thing they will ask is, “if spanking is so progressive and healthy and fun, why is there a need to constantly defend it as such? Doesn’t that mean that, even by your own admission, there are certain valid doubts about that?”
Well, there’s arguing, and then there’s making your opinion known and available on record. The radicals aren’t shy about making their position widely known, and I think it’s valuable for the opposite view to be expressed.
It’s all very well to say “obviously I’m so right that it’s not even worth arguing about”, and in a personal discussion I’ve been known to do just that. :) But here we’re not as much arguing with the radicals and providing information for people who haven’t made their minds up yet.
I was reminded of the importance of this when Niki introduced me to a friend of hers, who is a very new player and model, and who is still torn with uncertainty as to how her desires correspond with her feminist principles. It’s people like that girl I’d like to address while discussing the feminist side of porn: the people who are overwhelmed with guilt, and haven’t yet found the comfortable place from which we the more experienced perverts look at the world.
Radicals? Nah, don’t care about them. I do care about the newbies and the undecided, though. About telling them: “You can be a feminist and work in porn, you can be a feminist and be a prostitute, just don’t be an arse towards others.”
This is fascinating stuff. I love blogs that make me think.
Not much I can add to this, really. It all comes down to one’s opinions and preferences, no matter how much you talk about it. For me, I have no problem reconciling my desire to be spanked by men with my independent and, for lack of a better word, feminist nature. (I don’t like that word either! Too many negative connotations.) It’s about consent — I WANT IT. I choose it. I invite it. And when I did videos, it was because I enjoyed the hell out of doing them.
For my own reading pleasure, I tend to choose spanking blogs that reveal more of the person writing them.
Adele, I see your point. As I wrote in a new comment on Pandora’s blog, maybe I’m being naive or I’ve just been lucky with my vanilla acquaintances. Most of my friends are vanilla people (I don’t have a lot of BDSM friends, discounting internet correspondence). Some know about my spanking fetish, and I’ve yet to meet one who found it problematic or made any association with misogyny.
So my take on it is, naively perhaps, “all the people who can be coninced are convinced, anyway, and as for the radicals, you’re throwing pearls before swine”. But then I hear about the friend Niki itroduced to you, so apparently we aren’t quite at that point yet.
One very interesting sidenote here is the difference which I notice between male and female spankos. I feel the mischievous urge to play advocatus diaboli for a bit. Could we be witnessing a typical difference between the sexes?
I don’t see a lot of male spankos justifying what they do or elaborating on why it is compatible with being an “enlightened” modern man. Maybe that’s simply because of the way men are, or the way they are raised as boys, if you prefer that distinction. The stereoyptical stuff boys get to hear is: “Be your own man! Don’t take shit from nobody! Don’t let others tell you what to do! Lead your own life!” Or maybe men do worry about their strange fantasies, but in typical male fashion, they don’t talk about it.
With women, on the other hand, you tend to get all these public self-exploring and self-justifying blogs. “Feminism and sex”, “feminism and porn”, “feminism and spanking”, “feminism and cum-shots”… Could the root of this (advocatus diaboli!), ironically, lie in something that is very patriarchal: the way many girls are (still) raised? “Be a good girl! Mind your manners! Respect the opinions of others! You can’t always do what you feel like!”
Of course, the distinction isn’t as clear-cut. Boys are raised to be well-behaved, too, while girls are also raised to be independent. But the emphasis seems to vary a little.
Then again, maybe it’s just that women are, by and large, more comfortable speaking about their own inner life.
But it is an interesting quirk I’ve noticed, that the public justification of the erotic fetish (with an emphasis on “convincing” people who don’t have it that it’s alright) seems to be a “girl thing” for the most part. It wouldn’t occur to cavemen like us: “I do what I do, and if you don’t like it, tough shit!”
Of course there are exceptions on both sides. Niki never seemed to give much of a toss, which is one of the things I like about her. But she is a bit of a tomboy, anyway, so that fits. I’m very much looking forward to her own feminism post.
I’d just like to clarify something. I’m not at all anti-prostitution. (I wish England had a few cities like Amsterdam.) I was more concerned about situations where the need for money becomes so desperate that it effectively takes away any choice a woman may have.
When people say “Pornography depraves and corrupts”, what they really mean is “Pornography depraves and corrupts me”, in other words they realize that pornography allowed them to have feelings and thoughts of which they are ashamed. That’s why they are so angry and want pornography banned. And that also is why they are so sure that it “corrupts and depraves” people in general.
The more we are opposed to people being beaten the greater our conflict when we compulsively view spanking porn. Although we know perfectly well that spanking films etc are fictions- and may accept that where there is genuine consent no real cruelty or injustice is involved, it is in the nature of our kink that we want the spanker to spank. Thus we are at least temporarily endorsing his (fictive) cruelty and injustice. Not least of the many virtues of the RGE/Lupus films is that they enable us to eascape from this uncomfotable situation, for they turn us against the spankers by making them look stupid, hypocritical or ridiculous, and enable us to return to the side of virtue by making us cheer the suffering heroines.
Very interesting discussion :)
Ludwig, I’d like to address one of your points in your last post:
I don’t see a lot of male spankos justifying what they do or elaborating on why it is compatible with being an “enlightened” modern man. Maybe that’s simply because of the way men are, or the way they are raised as boys, if you prefer that distinction. The stereoyptical stuff boys get to hear is: “Be your own man! Don’t take shit from nobody! Don’t let others tell you what to do! Lead your own life!” Or maybe men do worry about their strange fantasies, but in typical male fashion, they don’t talk about it..
In my case, I’ve struggled somewhat with this (and still do) before admitting to myself I actually like to spank women. In contemporary Western cultures, we’re taught from a very early age that hitting someone or giving pain is a big social transgression. Even if you feel your instinct telling you one thing, your brain is conditioned to repress it. You may even face penalties and become a social pariah if you listen to that instinct.
To me, everything begins and ends in consent. It’s hard to believe, but there are women who actually *want* to be spanked. This is what reunites my desire with my conscience. I find it very powerful. I will not do anything against anybody’s wishes: I will not take what is not offered.
“It’s hard to believe, but there are women who actually *want* to be spanked.”
Oh yes, they want to! I know what you are saying. I found it a little hard to believe myself when I was starting out to explore the BDSM world. But I’ve met so many female submissives by now, it’s not hard at all anymore. And many of them are such strong, interesting personalities, too.
I think that there was one thing that made it all a lot easier for me – and I’ve only come to realize it now, thanks to the discussion we had and how it got me thinking. So, thanks to Pandora and Adele.
What made it a lot easier for me to accept my dominant, sadistic fantasies (and they can be intensely, wickedly sadistic!) is the fact that I am also a switch, as we say in the spanking lingo. I’m not a “free-floating” switch – my dominant, sadistic side is stronger and more pervasive, while the submissive one doesn’t come it as often. But the submissive side exists, and when it does come out, it is pretty intense, too. On those occasions where I feel like being punished, I want it *hard*.
The point is, I have an insight into where the submissive side is coming from – the feelings and fantasies you have in that “position”. And this insight is not merely theoretical (something you get from what others tell you), it comes from direct, personal experience. It is immediate, in a way, and it leaves no room for doubt.”Is this *really* what a submissive person would want?” Yes, I know it is, and what a strong attraction it can be to fantasize about something that is, of course, all consensual, but severe and uncomfortable and humiliiating in a very “real” way.
I believe it would have been a lot harder for me to “understand” my dominant, sadistic fantasies and reconcile them with myself if I didn’t have this foil of my own submissive part to reflect them. So, I suppose it can be even more difficult for a dominant sadist who doesn’t have that other side at all.
And maybe it is the same thing for someone who in exclusively submissive: her (or she) has no direct experience of how the dominant partner or playpal feels. So there might be room for doubt here: am I being abused? Am I being understood? Can he (or she) spank me and punish me like this and still respect me? Of course, he can. But that is easier you to realize when you have a dominant side yourself, and when you’ve “been there”.
Hey Adele, long time no speak, hope you are well :)
Just caught this brilliant debate and wanted to add that my blog, and my previous one, is always about me; my thoughts, what I do, what i like, what I want to share with someone etc. It’s so hard trying to find a balance between composing an entertaining read for spankos and generalists, and being too personal so there is no fascination anymore for anyone in actually getting to know the real person. I see it as an outlet to play back to myself my steps and thought processes so any confirmation I get back from people makes me feel happier I am making good decisions. I guess I still have a self esteem problem occasionally, borne out of having to rebuild myself over time to believe I am actually good enough as a person. My submissiveness and my acceptance of this is a reason why I don’t have to act or play in my relationships, but need to be nurtured to maintain and further develop my self confidence. Whilst some people can cope by being insular and working through this themselves, I find it easier to get affirmation from people who seem to tune into me, either in real life or via my blog. I agree sometimes a blog can smell of personal marketing and only be aimed at building a fan base and reputation but in my case I always try and be true to myself so that is never my intention. If it becomes a bi-product of my blogging then I am glad I have made more friends who will at least dip in now and then to share my thoughts with me.
Feminism? The degree to which someone promotes their feminism is in the eye of the beholder I think. For myself I believe I should be able to go out there in search of the same chances, goals and dreams as any man can, or on a level playing field with any other woman. I don’t see myself as inferior in any respect to anyone. Being an achiever as a woman doesn’t make me feel like a Feminist, because I hate that label, much as I hate other group labels that don’t apply to me in my own case.
People that know me and have met me, and one of the girls at work who called me a `girly – girl` when we were talking about feminist beliefs recently, would likely not see me as a feminist in the sense that I actively campaign for or have a crusade to make any kind of stand via my actions. I have old fashioned values about in how I see myself as a woman which is probably in the minority in today’s society, even amongst my peers, but that is from my parents beliefs and is still my personal view on how I fit into a relationship with a man. I am what I am and I will always write my blog driven by my mind and not under the influence of banner waving or trying to stand on any pedestal. I don’t do groups, labels or categories. If a girl in the scene or sex industry writes a blog, then why should it be seen as any sort of Feminist act, when diaries often including sexual thoughts and acts have been written by women for years?