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I’m kinky; you’re just SICK.
When I started in the scene, I thought that kinky people might have a greater capacity for tolerance than vanilla people did. I thought, empathy alone could account for a lot of it: when all the world looks at you as though you’re an abomination, you tend to not look that way at others.
How wrong was I to think that, munchkins? Quite scarily wrong. People are equally scared of “the other” whether they are hung top to toe with leather and chains, or sing in the church choir. (Or both, which also happens.)
There’s this strange phenomenon with some scene people. There’s a mindset which seems to dictate that you consider everybody who had an edgier kink than you a total pervert, whereas you and your friends are simply in touch with your sexuality.
A neat system, isn’t it?
The catch, of course, that what is edgy for somebody is as subjective as what’s hot for them, so you get groups of people hissing fire at each other, and whispering nastiness at each other in their little online caves, and have their Two Minutes Hate in small groups. (Which reminds me a little of mutual masturbation, and clearly must be just as pleasurable, if you judge by the amount of time spent on it.)
So, a person into spanking but not knife play will freak out about knife play. A person into knife play but not latex will point his finger at the latex people. Adult babies get the stick from just about everybody, while folks who are into branding and real heavy physical stuff are reduced to scared blubbering heaps by a hint of simple domestic discipline. Race play? Don’t even start. And so it goes, around and around and around.
What gets to me is that you never know what remark will make somebody shudder in disgust at you. Narrow minds begin to narrow in the most unexpected spots.
It can get totally stupid between people who are all into spanking. Same kink, right? That’s what you’d have thought. And then the Spanking Is Sexual and Spanking Isn’t Sexual camps smash together and begin arguing their point, while the people for whom spanking can be both things depending on the circumstances sit in the middle with their heads spinning. And how about the Role-Play Is Fun and the Dressing-Up Is For Idiots camps? After that you get the Spanking Is Serious and the Spanking Should Be Fun people pitching fits, declaring each other wannabes, pretenders, abusive bastards and all that stuff.
And then your friend Adele gets fed up with the sheer stupidity of dictating other people what their kink Should Be; she turns off every message board she’s a memeber of, and retires into the professional scene for a while to have a rest from closed-minded perverts.
I have more to say on the subject, but I’m exhausted from trying to say all of the above more or less politely.
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11 Responses to “I’m kinky; you’re just SICK.”
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I’m going way out on a limb here. Your mileage may vary, so I really don’t mean this to apply to anyone but me. But for me, the more I’m at peace with myself the lighter a player I am. So I associate heavier play with pathology. I’m still feeling my way along here, so I really don’t want to imply any judgment of anyone else. But that’s how it is for me.
Fessee, apart from the fact that my mileage does vary a great deal (that is, I can only play heavily when I’m happy, and when I’m unhappy, I won’t play at all) – your chances of being called a repulsive sicko have nothing to do with how hard or light you play.
Ageplay is a great example. Imagine a girl who likes to be four, and to be spanked by Daddy. (Well, boyfriend.) The boyfriend uses the sort of force that’s appropriate for her imagined size, that is, hardly pinkens her bottom. Most of their time is spent on him brushing her hair, taking her to the zoo, playing ball in the park – that is, not what you’d normally call “hard” play.
Do you know who is most likely to be begging to have a separate online space from these “sickos”? A guy who loves an afternoon of heavy CBT.
It really isn’t a distinction between “light” and “heavy”: it’s “mine” and “alien”.
Well I’m glad I was careful about not generalizing my personal experience, and I stand corrected—I am surprised to learn you play harder when you’re happy. I’m generally ‘pluralistic’ too—for example, adult baby seems reasonable to me if that’s how someone got wired in early life. On the other hand, where play—even consensual—gets hard enough to do tissue damage, my gut feeling is that something is wrong. Even if that play is consensual. So for me, at least, there is a line beyond which I do become judgmental :)
I do so enjoy your intelligence, good writing and capacity for introspection. Can English really be a second language for you?
Good post, and it is interesting to see the range of what is “acceptable” within the community. W/we just spent the last two days arguing about women who like/want/dislike/refuse to hear the words bitch/slut from their Masters/Mistresses or Dom/mes and tons of value judgements were tossed around on each side. i just had to take a step back and giggle and recall that as they wouldn’t be joining me in any playtime with my Dom it didn’t really matter what they thought about what i did or the fact that as much fun as a good spanking is, if i am not smarting when i try to sit down it wasn’t all it could have been lol.
Brilliantly said. I just found your blog from a link on ours, and I’m enjoying your writing quite a bit. I do get fed up with the arguing over what’s sick and what’s not … I have my own squick-level, but I generally try not to act or treat anyone like I think they’re a sicko simply because they’re into something I’m not. I realize how incredibly “weird” I might be to the general public for actually accepting and needing discipline from my boyfriend — so I try to understand that everyone has their own thing. But I think it’s human nature to recoil from something that’s so different from us — it’s in overcoming that nature and treating everyone as equals and accepting them the way they are that we become more devine, I think.
Anyway, excellent blog and I’m planning on becoming a regular reader. :)
Fessee – Hey, limits are not forbidden, or anything. It’s just that there are folks who tend to forget that other people limits may be narrower, wider, or even not on the same map. Getting freaked out is OK (I do, all the time, ’cause I read a lot about stuff I’m not into), as long as you freak out without hurting anybody’s feelings. (And yes, English is indeed my second language, thus the heavy accent on video and the abscence of a podcast on the blog.)
Red Velvet – LOL Yes, arguing about other people’s kinks can be very refreshing, until you end up in trouble over the argument itself.
Angie – Yep, my point exactly. It would be easy to be tolerant if everybody was just like us…
You know, I thought that I was very tolerant and quite open minded about all things until I ran smack into something that I’d never encountered before. It didn’t make me recoil in horror, no…it made me laugh. Right out loud. Like in a bad, making fun of other people way. It still makes me giggle a little and I feel bad about that, yet, it still happens.
I like what you have to say and unfortunately as humans we are susceptible to forming groups and becoming insular within them. *sigh*
I really can’t fault anybody for fits of giggles when facing kinky stuff that seems bizarre to them. Laughter is, after all, one of the way for brain to cope with the onslaught of the unexpected.
When the giggles are gone, though, there are those of us who will shrug and go: “Yeah, whatever floats your boat, mate”, and then there are those who’ll start carrying on about all those sick people and what they do.
Some things really are funny when you first hear about them, unless they happen to be your most deep-seated fantasy…
Adele wrote: “And yes, English is indeed my second language, thus the heavy accent on video and the abscence of a podcast on the blog.”
Do it anyway. You’d be the Greta Garbo of the spanking world :)
You know, there are things I like to do and things I don’t. I recently had to confront this. I like to play in a way where I can tell the person I’m playing with is having fun; it matters to me that I am not inflicting deep psychological trauma.
My girlfriend, who has made six (I think) spanking videos specializes in brutal, sobbing spankings that turn her pale ass a shade of black plum that is still red-hot after two days. I have had to adjust how I play, but mostly how I think. She showed me one of her videos for the first time last week and I was a little disturbed. In the video she is sobbing hysterically, screaming and cringing as the cane comes down. I had to stop it and ask her if she was okay while it was being filmed. She assured me that it was fine and that’s what she likes. I like a spanking that leaves an underlying deep red with a cross-hatching of purple that will fade after four days. This is not as hard as she likes it.
I suppose I could have rejected that, but I care for her, and frankly, I’d rather give her that level of play than have her need it and end up looking for it elsewhere. I trust me and I care for her enough to hold her afterwards, nourishing what I might strip from her in play. I’d like to hope this holds true of my encounters with other people who like things I don’t. Just cause you play hard does not mean you aren’t worthy of respect. When the play is over, you go back to regular life.
Mouthy-uhm (my fingers kinda wilt at addressing you by your full nick – do you have a preferred form of address?), it’s really brave of you to accept your girlfriend’s needs like that. I emphathise with your situation, because a close friend of mine sometimes shoots videos that, frankly, are beyond what I’m comfortable watching her go through. But you can’t guard somebody else’s limits for them, unless you’re happy with somebody else guarding yours…