Party tips for spanking models
Scenology — By Adele on 2 April, 2008 7:47 pmMy favourite model Bailey raises an interesting issue on her blog:
Several times a year there are spanking parties around the country… At these parties it is common for two sets of people to show up- regular kinky folk who want to have a good time, and professional kinky folk who want to sell their products in addition to having a good time. Then, there are people like me. Spanking models and people in the video industry also go to these parties, but they seem to have a negative reputation. Why?
…It seems the general perception is often that spanking models are not really part of the community- that we are elitist snobs who only socialize with each other at these events.
On the one hand, people tend to project their understanding of your character onto you, even when they don’t know you. Therefore, even if you’re a teeny tiny bit well-known, people you meet for the first time will have an opinion on your personality. Most of the time this opinion will be off-base, and sometimes it won’t be very flattering. That’s quite sucky and really unfair, but when you’re a spanking model, and somebody has decided that they really dislike spanking models, looking for a rational explanation to this would be useless. (The same applies when people fell over themselves to talk to you just because they’ve decided they really like spanking models. This behaviour is less sucky, but no more rational.)
On the other hand… much as it pains me to admit this, sometimes spanking models can behave in an annoying way at public gatherings. At best, they ruin their own reputation, and worst, they make all the other models work this much harder to make non-industry friends.
The following behaviour tips are not meant to lecture other models. To a much greater extent, they make up a code that I try to follow myself if I absolutely can’t avoid a big public event.
- Don’t assume that everybody knows you. Introduce yourself to people you haven’t met before. Don’t expect them to go “Oooooh!” at the sound of your name. If they don’t know you’re a spanking model, don’t hurry to inform them of this.
- If you do get recognised and spoken to as a model, try to conceal the smug glow. It’s not attractive.
- Try not to let the conversation become all about you, even if the other person keeps asking about minute details of your work. Big events are not meant for interviews.
- Be particularly careful if it’s a conversation among more than the two of you.
- Don’t become the centre of all action right away, particularly if there are many non-models present. You already intimidate them; don’t let them think they’re justified in feeling pushed aside.
- If you play, keep acting to a minimum. Obviously, you’re concerned about how you’ll look from the side, but if you overdo it, you risk getting a reputation of a complete primadonna.
- If another spanking model is putting on the whole “I’m the centre of the universe” show, resist the temptation to join her. In the end, you’ll have had a great time horsing around with your friend, but your reputation will have taken a hit.
- Just be careful. Be attentive to other people. Don’t be a bitch. In fact, be even less of a bitch than normal. *g*
This is a fine balancing act: girls often go to big public events to show their faces, remind people they exist, promote their work. These are all legitimate a worthy goals. Keeping the whole promotion thing from becoming intrusive and ultimately harmful is not always an instinctive skill.
And even then… people may still dislike you, and feel you still don’t belong in their circle, because you’re a dirty tart. Ah, well.
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18 Comments
I like this list. I don’t think I’ve been to enough events (and I think I’m too shy) to be guilty of many of these, which is a relief! However, I haven’t given this much thought before, and it’s very possible I’ve committed one or more of these crimes without thinking at one point or another. Hoorah for having analytical friends who remind you to think about stuff :)
Gosh, I never really thought about any of this before. I go to parties hoping to have a good time. If I’m having fun, I let myself go and enjoy it the same as I would/did if I was nobody. If someone’s in awe (puh-leez!), I do my best to show them that I’m just a regular girl. Possibly sicker and more dark and twisted than most, but still – I’m only human. (Except when I’m being a table.)
As for the Victorian uber-correctness of trying not to make a spectacle of oneself, what are parties FOR if not letting go and being uninhibited? Save that etiquette crap for real life, where people can’t cope without it. I don’t go to kink events to enhance the everyday neurotic misery of having to conceal what I’m into.
My rules: Go and have fun. Be yourself. Do your thing. Enjoy the freedom! Full stop.
I guess, being hyper-aware of whether other people are having a good time, and whether I’m making them uncomfortable, is part of being *me*. I don’t think I could enjoy a party at all if I thought I was putting somebody off their play.
(Within reason, of course.)
It’s easy to agree that somebody like you, Niki, or our girl Bailey – or me! – are pretty safe just being ourselves and having a good time. Because we’re nice. *g* However, in general, advice not to be a bitch can come in useful.
Actually, if you ever see me behave like a bitch at a party, you’ll be doing me a favour by telling me (quietly) to stop this behaviour. Even if I feel I’m just being “myself”, I’ll be grateful for a check.
Bailey’s blog was utterly brilliant (Bailey, I hope you read this!) A lot of people do seem to have a preconceived notion about us, how we feel, how we’ll react to them. They find us intimidating, and some resent us for “making” them feel that way. Either that, or they let the intimidation keep them away, when in fact we would be quite welcoming.
I know why I go to parties — to have fun, socialize and get spanked. I’m not there to sell anything and I don’t have an agenda. If it seems that I hang out with the same people over and over, it’s out of my own shyness, and my limited comfort zone out of which I have a hard time wandering. I know it can make me come off sometimes as unapproachable or snobbish, and I regret that. I do try to be gracious to everyone who approaches me. Thing is, I shake my head when people make comments like, “Wow, you’re so REAL.” Why the @#$% shouldn’t I be? I’m a middle-aged woman with my own insecurities and BS like everyone else. And I hate pedestals. It hurts way too damn much when I fall off them.
Adele, your points are well taken. I know I can get carried away with the exuberance, especially in the room parties. But, as Niki mentioned, it’s more a case of my pure joy and release of inhibition coming out, of enjoying my kink, rather than a shout of “Look at meeeeeeee, I’m a spanking model!”
Good point especially about introductions. I introduce myself as Erica (minus the Scott) because that’s my name. Some people say, “I know.” Some don’t.
You know what? At the end of the day, we could pontificate on this subject until the war is over or the world comes to an end (whichever comes first), and it won’t change the basic fact that people are going to think what they’re going to think, no matter what we do. So, yeah… maybe we should just do our thing and be who we are, and the people who bother to try to get to know us will like what they see. And if they don’t, oh well.
So,this was the last thing I expected to find when I pulled your site up today! I can’t say I’ve never made a spectacle of myself at a party.. *cough* wrestling match *cough* but I can say I’ve never done it because I am a model.I did it because this bitch was challenging me..er anyway.
My point is, I go to these things to have fun too. I am always trying to walk that tightrope between being myself and making sure that noone is misreading my motivtes. I have this concern at all times (it’s just part of my personality), but it is intensified in these situations because it is true that people are going to hold us model types to a higher standard.
Erica, thanks for your kind words. Next time around we really need to spend some time together. Maybe we can form a new clique?
Hmmmm… maybe. Have your people talk to my people. (grins)
It’s kind of nice to know that even the pros find certain aspects of these gatherings a bit nerve-wracking, but I for one would be happy to see you all just relaxing and having fun, not feeling the need to worry about people’s perceptions. Can’t imagine that any of you have anything to worry about on the prima donna front. Though it’s rather likely that more than one of you may have played one on film! :-)
Having never been to the kind of event where you may bump into a spanking model, I have no direct experience of this kind of interaction in the kinky world.
Due to work that I used to do and a vanilla interest, I have met several vanilla personalities and have learned not to pre judge the person that I may end up talking to. You might find yourself talking to someone who is good or bad, interesting or boring, pretentious or modest, there is only one person I can say that you WON’T be talking be talking to and that is the person that you see on the screen. People are people take them as they come, no matter how famous or anonymous they may be.
Prefectdt
In my business I have come face to face with a number of world renowned celebrities (non-spanking as far as I know). By staying poker faced and professional, I put them at ease and actually had some rapport. The last thing a celebrity wants is some bozo hounding them for autographs. I just made like I didn’t recognize them.
I don’t know if I would like to go to a spanking party or not. I would be curious as to what goes on and seeing certain superstars wearing nothing but watermelon juice would be interesting. I’m afraid I’d be too introverted and self conscious to have a good time, just like at any other party.
People may have preconceived notions about you because you have been in video, or they may not. I am not a judgmental person, though I can be my own worse critic. If you want my two cents, just be yourself. Have fun and don’t let the bastards wear you down. Really. Have a good time. Perhaps you have made life decisions that others will condemn you for, or maybe some will be jealous of your notoriety in the scene. Have some empathy(it helps you not to be a hater) and otherwise do what you wanna do. I don’t want to judge you, I just want you over my knee! Hehe
Chris in the Cruz
Just read the comments on Bailey’s blog and tried to respond, but as always, it won’t let me sign in. Grrr. So I’ll post my comment here and hope Bailey sees it. (Feel free to repost it there, Bailey; I can’t figure out why your blog hates me.)
I think the problem is this whole “model” tag. I’ve never liked the term, so I made up my own: Professional Victim. Yeah, I’m a model when I’m posing for a camera (so is anyone else), but that’s really only a tiny fraction of my life. At parties I’m simply a very fortunate girl who’s been allowed to live out her dreams. I’m just *me*. If people enjoy my work, great. But I’m not in it for the money or the fame or the ego boost of being *a Model*. That’s silly. Go say hi to people and if they’re rude to you, fuck ‘em. But don’t assume they’ll be snobbish simply because their naughty bits are on the Net.
I know that people who don’t get thrashed on camera look at girls who do differently (what a clumsy sentence that was!), and that will probably never change. But the reality is that being visible on the Net doesn’t change who you are as a person. Well, OK, maybe it makes you a little more exhibitionistic, but what’s wrong with that? Without exhibitionists there’d be no amateur porn sites. No naughty housewives stripping in front of the window for the construction crew across the road. The world is a better place for people living out their dreams. It’s never too late to have fun.
“Twenty years from now you’ll be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did.” (Mark Twain)
In vanilla world, I’ve been to plenty of parties where you get people who – as Adele puts it – do the whole “I’m the centre of the universe” show, and make a total exhibition of themselves. This, however, is invariably due to them having had one too many for the road, and nothing to do with how well known (or anonymous) they may be.
I have never attended a spanking party, and I’d need to overcome a huge amount of ‘first night nerves’ and such like in order to do so. I’d guess that if any new guy at one of these events seems to be avoiding the internet stars, it’s probably nothing more than shyness.
Maybe, Adele, you should add another point to your list:
9. If you spot someone who is obviously a first-timer at one of these events, then go over and say ‘hi’. Say that you don’t bite, and explain that even if he makes a total hash of spanking you, it’ll still be cool.
Steve, I like your last point. The parties I’m more likely to attend are small gatherings where the hosts can make sure that everybody is introduced to each other and happy, but at a huge commercial event like, say, Night of the Cane, it’s good manners for the more confident among us to talk to the shy and the new.
This is something I haven’t given much thought to over the years either to be honest. If I am at a commercial party and working, then it’s my job to be bubbly and a bit OTT.
If I go to an event like Night Of The Cane or something then I’m there for my own personal kicks. Though the opposite to what you and Bailey point out is also true. I’ve been on many a club night where people come up to me and because I’m “known” expect me to play with them. Whether I actually want to or not. And if you refuse, it doesn’t matter how polite you are, people assume you’re a stuck up bitch who’ll only do it for the money. Rather than a more truthful, “this is my night off and want to play with my husband/partner/friends, and actually you smell funny and your pants are crusty”.
I actually prefer it if I go to an event and people DON’T know me. I recently attended the first Northern Caning Night in Wakefield. Yes, I was there with our DVDs. But only because I was asked to bring them. But Paul and I were there intent on having fun, not promotion. I met lots of really lovely people and sat chatting to one guy for ages who then asked me how long I had been working for Northern Spanking. Which actually was really refreshing that he didn’t know “who I was”. it happened a couple of times during the night, and it actually gave me the freedom to be “me” and not keep myself in check because “Lucy” was there. People did ask me to play, and all were polite, as they were if I declined, and genuinely thrilled if I accepted. Not because I was a model, but because they actually quite fancied feeling my tawse across their bottom and no other reason. Bliss :-)
I’m largely with Niki here. While Adele’s etiquette suggestions are well-intended, I’m not sure that they work, because like any kind of etiquette, they are somewhat artificial. As Niki says, the best thing to do at a party is just to be natural, be yourself. If you feel like having a good, but quiet time, do it. If you feel like showing off on the stage, do that.
If you are a nice, normal person (well, as normal as we perverts can be!), people will notice that. If you are a snobbish princess, then no amount of etiquette hints is going to change that, anyway. So the whole list seems a bit pointless to me.
Personally, I’ve never been intimidated by fame. My family comes from a motorsports background, so I’ve met racing drivers and world champions even as a kid. Bosses of automobile companies and people like that. My own father was on TV a lot at the time, giving interviews and such. It was perfectly normal for me, and it never made a difference to me whether someone has his / her name in the paper or on the screen. They are still normal people with normal flaws.
My own personal heroes come from a different background, anyway. I’ve met some well-known philosophers and scientists, and sometimes I was a little star-struck when it was someone whose work I really love. But I can’t say that I was scared witless. I still talked to them in a normal way, and usually, they were very pleasant encounters.
Some spanking models are personal heroines of mine. So yeah, when I first met Niki, for instance, I was a little start-struck, too. In a semi-serious way. I had always loved her movies and her writing, I was very much looking forward to meeting her and finding out if she is really as great as it all looked. And she is. At the same time, she is just a kinky girl and very down to earth, so I felt quite comfortanle after 5 minutes of talking.
Of course, most spanking models have an exhibitionist streak somewhere, or else they wouldn’t be doing what they do. But that doesn’t mean that they are snotty, shallow “look at me” types. You can be an exhibitionist, entertain people, have a good time doing it, but you can still be nice and natural. That’s the point, I think: there is a playful, fun kind of exhibitionism, and an obtrusive, attention-seeking, annoying one. They are two very different things, and I believe that one can usually tell the difference.
When it comes to the “good” kind, wouldn’t parties be a lot less fun without it? I think many of us kinky people have that streak somewhere, not just models, but also bloggers, for instance. And things would be a lot less exciting without it.
So, whether it’s parties or modelling or blogging, just be natural, be yourself. People will recognize that. If you are totally self-absorbed and self-centered, they will recognize that, too, and etiquette isn’t going to help you.
Ludwig, much as I understand your point (in my case it’s politicians), I’m still somewhat smitten when I meet someone who knows how to drive the Nordschleife properly! :)
Come to think of it, my own experience with motorsport may be useful in this discussion. Motorsport is the great love of my life. I still remember the day I first made eye contact with an F1 driver and the first time I actually exchanged words with a driver. Since then, I’ve met quite a few drivers and I’m always happy to meet them. It’s still an event for me.
As I wrote, I have some experience with politicians. It was a bit like drivers: the more you spend time around someone you only know from an image, the more you realize he/she is a normal person and simply wants to be treated as such. Just a simple thing like having dinner in a restaurant becomes a surreal event because everybody looks at you.
I haven’t met a spanking model… yet. However, to me the biggest difference comes from the act that he/she would be a person that I’ve witnessed in a physically vulnerable position, at least theoretically on pictures and videos. Should I get to play with this person, there would be a physical quality the our interaction. I’ve shaken the hand of famous people, but I have yet to have had one over my knee, bare bottom. Even if it’s just play, spanking involves at least some sort of intimacy and vulnerability.
I haven’t been to a spanking only party, but have been to quite a few BDSM and fetish events, all in the US. Here, at least, there are quite a few people put off by any professionals who come to these events. I think there is a misconception that any pro is just in it for the money, and also these individuals tend to think there is a lot more money in whatever than there really is. This happens more to, say, pro-dommes than toy vendors, but in either case a significant number of people have this attitude like, “I am more into the scene than them because they only do it for the money and they shouldn’t be allowed to come.”
Niki- I absolutely agree that the world is a better place for people living out their dreams. I love that Mark Twain quote. Often when making a decision, I will ask myself which I’d rather have picked when looking back on my life.
Thebes
Wow, this list is so thought provoking and although I try to just blend in now at events I have been too, which I hope I do. As I’m really not half as well known or popular as the real top kittens or bitches (said affectionately lol!), who know who they are :), it is easier for me anyway. I do admit though to breaking some of the SM rules here on occasion, but it’s been more out of gobsmack surprise when I was newer to the scene rather than because I love myself too much, which I far from don’t. What I think is worse is aloofness, which I loathe in anyone, and if I ever get that way then I hope someone will tell me to get back into the real world again and remind myself that this is a minority sporting interest and I’m not Britney after all. I went to an event recently and had no intention of playing, not because I feel above it when it’s not on a professional basis as some may think, but because I went to catch up with some friends and have a drink. As it happens one guy approached me in such a way that I was taken with his charm as a person too, so we ended up having a mini session at the back (because I really don’t do centre stage exhibitionism either), and we have since dated too, which is another topic in itself..”Are you only interested in me because of spanking or would you have liked me anyway had we met in a vanilla setting”?
It’s never easy from our side either, but having committed a few of the crimes on your list Adele when I was up my own proverbial in the early days. I think I have learnt from this and by now I hope I have become Emma Bishop, and from my side people don’t just want to know Emma Bishop the spanking model either.