The Safeword Dilemma
Featured, Scene etiquette — By Adele on 5 February, 2012 4:06 am
This piece is a part of the Safe/Ward conversation started over on Purrversatility, and given quite a lot of bang over on Salon. The focus of the conversation and the resulting campaign is the proliferation of assault in the allegedly safe spaces in the BDSM scene: the pushing of boundaries, the ignoring of safewords, the sex that’s easier to agree to than to explain why you don’t want it. It’s a conversation worth having, and I suspect that many of my readers will have missed it going on around them. Follow the links, it’ll make you think.
I’m not talking about people who claim to practice BDSM with no safewords. Because no matter how deep you travel into dark scary places, there is always a safeword: “I withdraw my consent, everything you do from now on is assault.” Or, say, “Stop, or I’m calling the police.” No safewords, my arse. Anyway, I’m not talking about that.
Nor is this about safewords being ignored, as I have no first-hand experience with this. (My boyfriend does; he may talk about it when he’s ready.)
The part of the conversation I’ve found myself nodding most vigourously to was the atmosphere being created in which people feel unable to safeword, because it’s impolite, or it’s unwelcome, or it will break the atmosphere, or result in excessive sulking, or will make the fragile edifice of the top’s ego crumble into tiny pieces.
Three points of information:
1. I find safewording really easy. It has no emotional weight for me. I don’t feel inferior for not being able to take as much pain as the top wants to dish out. Nor do I enter deep headspace in which I might find communication physically problematic. When I’ve had enough, I say so. I can’t count how many times I have successfully and peacefully stopped scenes that had ceased to be enjoyable.
2. Keeping the habit of safewording is extremely important to me, because I enjoy consensual non-consent scenes, in which I like to be taken to dark places. I want to be known, on precedent, as the sort of person who will definitely stop play if I’m uncomfortable. I want tops to be able to rely on this, because it’s something I need when I top.
3. Even considering the above, I’ve had a number of spankings I continued to take because to try and stop would have resulted in aggravation and emotional fallout I wasn’t ready to face. I feel bad about this; it felt like a cowardly choice afterwards. Perhaps it’s what allowed me to eventually develop the aforementioned safeword hair trigger.
I couldn’t help but notice that where the ease of safewording is concerned, I am, let’s just say, unusual in my local community. This makes me quite cross. You may have heard me rant about this in person, as it’s a pet topic of mine. I’ve also written about it in a less blunt way over on The Spanking Writers. I’ve found my dedication to safewords quite difficult to keep or defend on a few occasions.
I’m going to give you some direct quotes I’ve heard in the scene just in the last 3 years.*
Said by tops:
“If you’re just going to safeword, we may as well not start.”
“She’s a serious player, she doesn’t safeword.”
“It’s not a punishment if you safeword, is it?”
“But I was so looking forward to this!” (Unsaid: “Until you safeworded and ruined everything.”)
“You’re being difficult.”
Me: “Safeword.” Him: *Flounce*
Me: “Safeword.” Her: *Tears*
Said by bottoms:
“I know I have a safeword, but I wouldn’t use it.”
“I don’t like safewords.” (Times many.)
“Safewording just doesn’t feel very submissive.”
“He doesn’t deal well with safewords.”
“I didn’t safeword. It wasn’t an option.”
Let me tell you, then, how easy it’s been to remain the sort of safe, responsible bottom who can be relied upon to safeword when she needs to. Let me tell you about the sulking divas with canes I’ve had to deal with, until in the last couple of years I drastically limited the circle of people I will bottom to. Let me tell you about comforting friends who aren’t quite as bloody-minded or determinedly blunt as me.**
Do you know what’s interesting? None of the scary shit ever happened to me in my professional spanking work. It has to people close to me, but never to me. Go figure.
*Attributions are missing because I have no permission to attach names to quotes; with some of them, I don’t care to ask, or ever speak to the person again.
**This is where I’d also like to acknowledge the lovely, careful, responsible tops I’ve enjoyed playing with ever since I emerged onto the scene 12 years ago, but this is not the place.
Tags: bottoming, rant, safe/ward, safewords
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18 Comments
Though you didn’t focus much on it, we do like the point about there ~always~ being a safeword… even if it is. “I withdraw my consent so stop or I will call the cops.” Never thought of it like that, but that is so-so true!
We’ve heard a few people in the scene rattle on and on about bottoms that didn’t use a safeword (talking a traditional “Red” sort of safeword) and how that isn’t their fault because of this, that or the other. I didn’t feel “safe” using it (whatever that means)… he wouldn’t have listened anyway… he would have belittled me if I did… I was in such a submissive mindset… I was confused… I couldn’t believe what he was doing… blah-blah-blah. Just don’t get it? Why advocate against personal responsibility and safety?
A bottom has a ~responsibility~ to use a safeword when her limit is crossed. She has an ~obligation~ to not inflict a bad scene on a top… most especially if she is later going to rant and rave and drag his name through the mud over it. Everyone will rightly freak out on any top that ignores a safeword for *any* reason. “You mean she safeworded and you didn’t stop”… end of story, he is hung. For some though… “You mean he crossed your limits and you didn’t bother to use your safeword”… there are excuses for that.
Drives us nuts. Bottoms need to be held as responsible for respecting safewords as top do.
~Todd and Suzy
I feel you on this one. I have never used a safeword during a scene, but there are a few when I should have. You are right that it is unfortunate in our scene that although having a safeword is considered part of safe play, using it is often viewed as a sign of weakness. Also, as you point out, “no safewords” doesn’t really exist, you can always tell your top to stop in a way they will understand.
I *have* stood my ground in advance of a scene, “No, I don’t want to do that, I’m not in the headspace for that, how about we modify it this way?” The result is sometimes positive, but I’ve had a very negative experience with it too with a top trying to coerce me into changing my mind.
It is really a shame that something which is supposed to be fun for all concerned often becomes about a top using a bottom for his or her own pleasure without much regard to how said bottom feels about it.
Todd and Suzy:
“A bottom has a ~responsibility~ to use a safeword when her limit is crossed. She has an ~obligation~ to not inflict a bad scene on a top… most especially if she is later going to rant and rave and drag his name through the mud over it.”
I think that’s simplistic. The point of my post is that some situations create an atmosphere where it’s very difficult for less confident people to safeword. Safewording is a responsible thing to do, sure, but if every time you safeword there’s a danger of a top having a sulk, or the other bottoms scowling at you for breaking their scene, you’re much more likely to just get to the end of the scene instead of subjecting yourself to the social stigma of having interrupted it.
“Everyone will rightly freak out on any top that ignores a safeword for *any* reason. “You mean she safeworded and you didn’t stop”… end of story, he is hung.”
You’d be surprised. The point of the Safe/Ward campaign is that safewords are ignored more often than we think, and that people in the scene often turn away from people who complain to avoid “drama”. Do follow the link to the Salon article at the top, it makes for a sobering read.
Bridget – amen, honey.
“The point of my post is that some situations create an atmosphere where it’s very difficult for less confident people to safeword. Safewording is a responsible thing to do, sure, but if every time you safeword there’s a danger of a top having a sulk, or the other bottoms scowling at you for breaking their scene, you’re much more likely to just get to the end of the scene instead of subjecting yourself to the social stigma of having interrupted it.”
Our perspective is, honestly… a bottom really shouldn’t be playing in an environment like that. It should be avoided. The other thing is this line of thinking is purely speculative. It would have to be the bottom thinking or worrying that these things would happen (top will sulk, etc), not that they have actually occurred. “I thought if I safeworded I’d get scowls… etc.” That’s really not fair to anyone involved. They’re basically getting blame based on assumption and speculation. We’d tell a bottom to *not play* if they had these sort of fears.
You certainly outline a real problem though, and we wouldn’t dismiss it. It takes open and honest communication… making clear that a safeword is okay to use. That it is **welcomed** and wont be an issue. That it wont necessarily end a session, only stop it to allow for communication and gathering what should be done next (stop, pause, change something, etc).
Do think though the message should be “It is not okay to not safeword when it is needed under any circumstances”… just as the message should be… “It is not okay to ignore a safeword under any circumstances.
Interesting discussion,
~Todd and Suzy
Wondering:
Is there anything to the idea that some problems of communication and hurt feelings might be caused by referring to anything a bottom does to take some control of a scene as “safewording”? Because one sense of “safeword” — and a really important one — is something that’s used to signal that something bad has happened or is about to happen, or to genuinely restore safety. Something analogous to a panic button. Rightly or wrongly (and often wrongly), there can be a perception of blame attached to such a situation, based on the idea that the use of a safeword implies that (at best) things have been allowed to get out of control, or (at worst) that limits haven’t been respected.
If we talk about a bottom saying that they’ve just (perhaps unexpectedly) had enough, and taking control of the scene to wind it down or bring it to a close, as “safewording”, the same perception of blame might exist, triggering the sort of top insecurity that you describe. Maybe there’s room for a word capturing that a scene wasn’t stopped because of issues of *safety*, just having had enough: “hadenoughwording”.
Also:
This is mostly about top insecurity, isn’t it?
I think this is about the ego and insecurity of both top and bottom. I have definitely known social circles in which a bottom who safewords would be made to feel bad about it; and tops who have sulked or whined after a bottom safeworded. But equally, I know bottoms who would feel embarrassed to safeword even if everyone there would be supportive and reassuring. I used to be one of them.
In my experience there is a vast gulf between playing with a long term partner and playing with a someone new; and between playing in private and playing in public. Playing in private with long term partners, I’ve been praised for safewording; had it held up as the best possible way a scene could have ended, because it was a breakthrough in establishing trust and communication. I needed to hear that, and it set a great precedent. When my dom was starting out in a less confident place, I’ve also had a safeword make them feel terrible and ended up with a mutual-aftercare situation on our hands; difficult, but survivable.
On a shoot, I’ve been told I was unprofessional and “ruined a scene” for calling cut after my agreed boundaries had already been compromised, and asking how many more strokes an overly-severe scene was going to include. I took my money, walked out and never worked with them again. That’s only happened once. (Moonglow, for those who want to know.)
At public events, I’ve found myself playing with people I didn’t really want to play with, or at a time I didn’t really want to play, because my signals were misread. I was asked in public and couldn’t think of a drama-free way of saying no thankyou, not right now. It’s particularly difficult when you do want to play in general but you don’t want to play with the person asking you in front of everyone, because saying no will give all the people you are interested in the wrong idea. Well, I guess there are ways round that, but it’s hard to think of them at the time. So I’ve absolutely gritted my teeth through play I didn’t really want, simply out of social embarrassment and not wanting to cause drama. I guess I could have said “red”, but in the end, I caught the eye of some sympathetic bystanders and they helped me find a jokey and socially graceful way out. Not particularly traumatic, no harm done.
However, I don’t want to make those mistakes again, and these days I think I err on the side of being blunt. But then, I’m lucky enough to have access to multiple play partners. It’s much harder to risk being rude and annoying people if you don’t have anyone to play with and are trying to attract someone.
I think any experienced top playing with a new bottom has a responsibility to help them practice saying “no, thankyou” and to provide over-the-top praise and reassurance whenever they communicate successfully in scene. Bottoms are often people-pleasers. Any decent top should help newbies learn how to effectively maintain their own boundaries.
A lot of this comes down to a bottom’s confidence: feeling like you have a right to your boundaries, that protecting them is more important than play at any cost. Partly that comes with age, experience and good self-esteem. But even the most confident bottom can be made to feel like shit by an insecure top, and tops absolutely have a responsibility to praise bottoms for good communication and foster an atmosphere that’s positive about safewords.
Paul: re hadenoughwording I guess “thanks, that was lovely, but I’ve had enough now” is too blunt for most people?
I have neither an irresistible need to top nor to bottom, and for me play has absolutely nothing to do with dominance and submission. I see our play as another form of communication, a very artistic one even if somewhat surreal. So like any communicated notion there’s syntax and phrasing, brush-strokes and expression and learning. It’s a channel where people are continuously expressing themselves by whatever means, action or sensation that occurs.
As a communicator I’m ‘listening’ to my partner(s) or being listened to, and hopefully we occupy a unique space which can evolve, change and disappear by the second – just like a dream. Beforehand we’ve discussed everything that might lead to both physical and mental distress and are aware of potential personal minefields. What are our limits soft and hard? Is any guilt being carried for what we are about to undertake? (If I sense that or jealousy they’re more than likely to be a show-stoppers.)
That level of understanding can only come through friendship. As I top I’m conducting the orchestra of sounds and expressions I hope to produce, and like a conductor, I’m mindful of a broken note or something out of tune when it happens, which the person I’m conducting communicates to me.
Very, very few long-term play-partners, but all friends who I got to know well before we played. It’s the only way I know. And, what’s more the partner has to be someone who likes me a lot and who’d enjoy spending time with me sharing interests of several other areas in art, and most importantly, we both feel we can entrust our lives to each other. Something I see so often between dancer partners in the studio.
So I check in, listen to breathing, feel pulse, check pupil dilation and muscle tension when I top – and in a very challenging scene more often than not it’s the resilience of our skin which tells us to relax for a minute, hour, day or longer, not the mental state which might delude us beyond safety. But if someone says, “I think I’m getting to where I need to take a rest,” there’s no let-down, no insult, or distress. It’s just friends sharing their trust in each other. Other than that I think it would be rather immature, but then, I know too, I’m still growing up!
R
“I want to be known, on precedent, as the sort of person who will definitely stop play if I’m uncomfortable. I want tops to be able to rely on this, because it’s something I need when I top.”
I love that and that’s exactly what I try new play partners to understand. It’s very important for me, to know a bottom uses safe words if needed, but of course it’s my duty to reassure that even with folks I’ve a longer playing history…
I read one post by a blogger who said the two universal safewords are “vomit” and “lawsuit.” :)
Interesting post, and one that dovetails quite neatly with one a SpankingCast of mine on “no limits” play. As you say, far more blunt than the (presumably toned down) views you expressed on SW when that used to be a joint endeavour.
I’m slightly surprised at the implication that any bottom who can’t “be relied upon to safeword when she needs to” isn’t “safe” / “responsible”. I do know bottoms who don’t like to play with safewords: that’s their choice, and to condemn them for it is dangerously close to condemning the “your kink is OK” principle – and makes what you say sound pretty intolerant of others’ kinks, which I’m sure wasn’t your intention.
And I’m personally proud as a top if feeling to an extent disappointed when a bottom safewords makes me a “sulking diva”. If I do push a play partner to a place where she’s uncomfortable continuing, I do feel a degree of responsiblity – that I’ve, perhaps, misread her interests or limits – and hence ‘failure’. Truly successful scenes do not culminate in safewording – much as I hugely respect bottoms for using safewords when uncomfortable, and absolutely think there’s an onus on them to stop a scene (in whatever way they chose to do so, safeword or otherwise) if they’re unhappy or uneasy continuing it. Better that a top’s to an extent concerned about a scene that causes someone to safeword than that they’re blase about it, IMHO – and if that equates to being a ‘diva’ or ‘sulking;, then they’re phrase I’m entirely happy and proud to be associated with, as they equate to responsible play.
One of your bottom quotes is from me, or maybe two are. They are certainly things I’ve said. (1st and last) Taken out of context they look like the words of a person who doesn’t know their own mind, or isn’t secure enough to act her own mind. The opposite is true, for me.
With my main play partner, where I go very deep, mentally I cannot safeword. I’ll have reached an almost trance like state where I’m accepting all that’s being done to me; he and I both know this is a dangerous place to be. But it’s a place we aim for. I willingly go into that place and accept the consequences of where it takes me. He willingly goes there too and we have to trust each other.
However, if I’m not deeply into the scene, we never go there, and I will pull out if needed, by safeword or whatever means. It’s just there is definitely a point of no return where I can’t safeword and it’s a place I want to aim for.
Is it a place I’d go to with someone new that I didn’t trust? Hell no! Do I think safe words are important? Definitely. Do I personally want, as part of what I get from kink, to be pushed into feeling that what I’ve given consent to is actually non-consensual? Yes, and that’s my choice.
I don’t judge others on how they play, I’d always advise people to use safeword, and I don’t blame other tops or bottoms if things don’t go well. It would also be very unusual to have that kind of intense play in a group scene. So I think safeword and how they are used are a personal choice and if a person is bothered by other people’s use of such, or lack of use of such they need to remind themselves we’re all different and just as your kink is OK, your grown-up decisions are ok too.
Sure, Ems, you get to play the way you want to. (Though the last quote belongs to the young man sitting on my right at the moment, I do acknowledge it could have come from you under different circumstances, less traumatic than his; you can claim it if you like.)
You don’t need to explain to me why safewording can be difficult or impossible sometimes. This article comes in the context of the Safe/Ward discussion linked at the start, particularly the Salon article. That, in particular, cites an opinion by Janet Hardy that people who don’t safeword are dangerous to play with full stop. That attitude is extremely problematic, because it doesn’t acknowledge that some people hit the subspace so hard that they have no physical or mental capacity to safeword. Their (your) boundaries need looking after as carefully as the people who can safeword easily.
But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the culture created around the non-safewording as the praised norm, where, as a person who likes to hang on to my boundaries, I’ve been frequently put in a position of apologising for using my safeword.
Which is not cool. And the fact that you (or sombebody else) don’t use safewords doesn’t make it OK for me to be made uncomfortable for using mine.
We have ranted drunkenly (in my case), less drunkenly in yours about this together and I like the post.
I have always maintained that a submissive has a resPonsibility to communicate clearly with a person she or he plays with and that also involves taking responsibility for stopping things if they go to far. I have been in a position of not quite darIng to safeword in case it spoils the scene. If I haven’t taken responsibility for myself in this, I certainly wouldnt then badmouth the top afterwards, although I would be honest and say I felt I had been pushed too hard.
But the responsibility is equal. Doms and tops are not psychic. And a safeword – and using it – is a responsible way of both participants communicating with each other. You dont have to use it, probably in the best scenes, you don’t need to, but it’s there.
It’s clear from this discussion that this is a difficult and inflammatory topic. Communication among human beings is imperfect, and misunderstandings are the predictable result. Nobody wants to be thought of as toxic as a result of misreading a scene s/he was playing in good faith. And nobody wants to be seen as an irresponsible top or a vindictive bottom.
I don’t think that’s what this post– or the thoughtful article in Salon to which Adele links– is about. To me, the more important question is: Does our community, as a whole exert, subtle pressure on bottoms not to safeword? I suspect that’s true, especially in the spanking/BDSM public and party scenes. I also suspect that it’s largely unconscious, and that all of us, tops, bottoms, switches, male, female, old, and young, participate to some extent in shaping this culture.
If that’s the case, we all have a responsibility to think about ways in which we can change that culture so that players are more safe. We can’t pretend that nobody gets hurts, nor can we pretend that no one in our community is dangerous. I agree with the Salon article that we as a community want so badly for our culture not to be seen as pathological that we sometimes ignore the pathological among us.
If that means that we undertake self-examination that makes some of us uncomfortable about some of our choices, so be it. Yes, a top has a responsibility to listen not just to safewords but to other signs a bottom gives. Yes, a bottom has a responsibility to communicate with a top. Our job as a larger community is to provide a larger culture that makes those two difficult tasks easier, not harder.
“And the fact that you (or sombebody else) don’t use safewords doesn’t make it OK for me to be made uncomfortable for using mine.”
Adele, I never said it did and I really can’t believe there are many people who believe that. Maybe I’m just lucky in who I know.
To the rest of the point I guess I’ve also been very lucky that in my personal scene experiences I have not been made to feel uncomfortable when I have safeworded and it’s not something I’ve ever witnessed.
So it’s difficult for me to not blame myself for the only time that I wanted to safeword and didn’t. In that circumstance I was very new and very naive. I had convinced myself that I deserved the punishment being meted out to me, even though I was screaming with pain. This was not a view I picked up from watching or reading about other’s play; this was firmly my own fault, years of fantasies meeting the harsh reality of a hairbrush.
Looking back on it now I take as much responsibilty as the top should have. Sure, I don’t play with him now, and I wouldn’t play with anyone new like that again: I’ve learned the hard way.
But I don’t balme the scene for my inability to safeword then, just as I don’t blame the scene or other people when things go wrong.
I 100% don’t agree with anyone creating an atmosphere or norm that says safewords are wrong, but it’s not the only reason why people don’t safeword or get into situations that don’t work out.
As a few people have said above the most important ingredient in safe play is open and respectful communication and if you have that, the finer details of limits and safewords are easy.
Completely agree with your statement that there’s always a safeword – if the worst comes to the worst you say ‘I’ll call the police’. This is a bloody good point and something that I think a lot of people forget.
I’m personally not a fan of having a specific word to use to stop play – it requires negotiation and discussion and codifying things that I’d rather not take out of the ‘horny chat’ space. However that’s not to say that there is literally nothing I could ever say to my partners to make them stop.
The word ‘safeword’ does (as PaulAtNorthGare pointed out) hold a real significance, which probably contributes to a lot of the statements that you list in your post. If it’s seen as a ‘panic button’ I can see why both tops and bottoms would be nervous about using it.
It’s clearly an emotive issue, so I hate to trivialise it at all, but I’ve had the safeword discussion so many times that I want to say it all boils down to the attitudes of the people who are playing (and, occasionally, linguistics and different couples understanding of the term ‘safeword’). Some love having one, some hate having one – rather than discussing this very specific way of communicating one specific request, why not discuss how best to communicate *all* of our wants/needs etc with our partners? I don’t have a safeword, but that doesn’t mean I have no way to stop play if it’s getting too difficult. In fact, I’d argue that it makes me put much more effort into communicating with the people I’m playing with, as they know and I know that there isn’t an easy get-out – both of us have to pay even more attention to the needs and desires of the other one.
Anyway, just my 2pence worth – great blog, thanks for making me think a bit harder about this =)
You make this sound like a critisim of tops who say it and it shouldn’t be.
“It’s not a punishment if you safeword, is it?”
You can’t have a punishment spanking and have a safe word. Now it is clear that we need a little more discussion about what the scene is going to be. Nothing wrong with that.
I don’t like safe words myself. I have received a very well done spanking and there was no way I was going to remember the safe word. All of my attention was focused on my rear end and that is the way I want it. I much prefer limits on the number of licks and how hard the blows can be.
I admit this is very difficult in “one night stand” kind of scenes.
Bodack, you’re generalising. *You* are willing to have a punishment spanking with no safeword, and consider this to be the best option for you. You are not alone in preferring it, but I argue that it can’t be a *standard*: it’s something for the two people to negotiate, and certainly isn’t something that a top can push for. Play with no safewords is advanced, and something to be careful with, not something to be advocated and accepted as community standard.